Jokes

[Chas]

A nun and a priest are lost in the desert, when their camel dies they both know there days are numbered.
The priest turns to the nun and says “I have had a good life, but the only regret I have is that I never made love to a women”
The nun turns to him and says “Do you know what, that was the same thing I was thinking, as we have little time left do you think God would mind letting us off if we made love, after devoting our life to him?”
The priest says “No, I think he would understand, I mean, it's only the one time”
So they both stripped off.
On seeing the priests manhood at full mast the nun say’s “What in Gods name is that?”
and the priest states “That’s the shaft of life my dear” and the nun reply’s
“Thank God for that, well stick it up that camel and let’s get the f**k out of here”

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

My wife gives me sound advice.

 

[Gary Stockton]

It's a dog's life.....

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up..

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...

I think my dog is a member of Parliament!

 

[Chas]

Alcohol is not the answer, but enough of it and you may forget the question.

 

[uHu]

Re dog...
There is a scientific report (was i from OZ?) saying that a medium dog emits more CO2 than a Landcruiser.
So, if someone criticizes you for your big car, ask if they have a dog...

 

[Chris Green90]

Yor dog has a bigger carbon footprint than a 4 wheel drive, So does your baby, Maybe you ought to trade him in for a prius.

From the excellent pen of Tim Minchin. This song. the above line is at caround 2:49

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbD_QFnK ... A3E4BD7219

Very Funny Guy

 

[Chas]

Getting back on track

He said - Two inches more and I would be King.
She said - Two inches less, and you'd be Queen

 

[uHu]

Blonde # 1

Why does the blonde have bruises around her navel?

 

[uHu]

Blonde # 2

Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?

 

[uHu]

Blonde # 1

Blonde boys are not the smartest either.....

 

[uHu]

Blonde # 2

That's the proper place to wash vegetables.

 

[Annamarie]

are you blonde because that's all mucked up

 

[Chas]

are you blonde because that's all mucked up

I wouldn't say that, it was two questions followed by two answers, go back and read again Anna.

 

[Gary Stockton]

The Old Golfer ...

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and
heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the
bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady,
are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I
sure am."

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well
then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

 

[Chas]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up and keep walking."

 

[Chas]

Ireland declare war on France

Nicolas Sarkozy, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Holy Mary and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr Sarkozy!
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

 

[uHu]

Ireland & Norway has a lot in common. Not only the potato.

 

[Gary Stockton]

 

[Gary Stockton]

Redneck 'Lurve' poem ...