Jokes

[Euan McGilp]

Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
----------- ---------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

 

[Graham]

That last one Euan looks and sound familiar,

Gra.

 

[Euan McGilp]

Oops... just looking through stuff I've acquired / been sent & guilty of not reading all the posts in the thread... will try to improve!

 

[Andy]

>The Best Pubs Are Irish


As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the
pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called
McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When
you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."


"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London ,
the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy
the first two."


"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the
Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in
the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you
like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take
you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you, Paddy?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman.





>>>>>"But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

[Bungarra]

In Memorium

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,

it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,

which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote

"The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started

 

[Euan McGilp]

Welcome aboard Wal-Mart Airlines YEP, now they're flying!​ ​ ​ Why you fly dressed like this?​ ​ ​ "There paid for and I want EVERYONE to appreciate them em"​ ​ ​ Somehow I ALWAYS manage to sit next to this person.​ ​ ​ ​ You did you say free refills, right?​ ​ ​ ​ Words fail me !!​ ​ ​ Just how long WAS his flight delayed? ​ ​ ​

​

 

[Graham]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a
British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you
like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

"The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-
priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water
first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you
continue over that hill to the East for about two miles, you will find
our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Inshallah".

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and
rasped ...
















"They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!”

 

[Graham]

They always misunderstand me

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me
when

I said, "I wanna watch."



> Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female
> friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"but none of
> them rub your dick and say "well done"?
>
>
>
> Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.I met a
> bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I
> asked was "How are you getting on?"
>
>
>
> Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a
> black baby "Is this yours?" she asked."Probably." said Paddy

> "She burns everything else!"
>
>
>
> My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes
> and a broken jaw.It seems we were on different wavelengths when
> she said she wanted decking on the patio.---
>
>
>
> Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your
> man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!!
Personally I think its bollocks!!
>
>
>
> They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think
> they are right.After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
>
>
>
> Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist
> with a rucksack? The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom"
> once.
>
>
>
> Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the
> Porn channel in my room disabled?""No," she replies "it's just
> regular porn you sick barstuard."
>
>
>
> A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend
> and her twin.I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said
> "Her brother's got a mustache!"
>
>
>
> A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
> "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
> "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny
> bird with big blue hair."

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

A man walks into a zoo. the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

it’s a shitzu.

 

[Red Oktober]

A chemist walks into his shop and spots a man leaning against the wall.
whats wrong with him ?? his assistant replies ... he came in for some cough syrup ..but i couldn't find any so gave him an entire bottle of laxatives...

you fooking idiot screams the chemist ...you can't treat a cough with laxatives ... Of course you can snaps the assistant .. look ...he's too fecking scared to cough now ..

 

[Red Oktober]

A moment of pure pleasure ....


The husband was in pure ecstasy …… a far-away, contented glaze in his eyes and a huge, gentle, knowing smile on his face as he softly murmured.

He was obviously, “totally in the moment” as his wife moved rapidly forward toward him….then equally rapidly, backwards away from him.
She was moving in that steady undulating rhythm that he had come to know so well ….first , teasingly rapidly forward, then slowly backwards only to be repeated with increasing pace and anxious determination. Again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.



Sometime in one long, steady, drawn-out motion……. sometimes in a series of short urgent spurts of movement….. but always keeping her focus on the same objective.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed... she was starting to sweat but she was so totally engrossed in the act that she never recognized it nor
would she have cared even if she had recognized it…… her focus was solely and totally upon her husband.

Giving way to her inner feelings, she started to moan….. at first, a soft, barely audible whimper escaped her tightly pursed lips, then, her intensity and passion rising almost as rapidly as her inhibitions were escaping her, she abandoned all pretence.
Her moans rising in volume, frequency and intensity, she began to groan ever louder and louder.
She began mumbling several obscene phrases that would make a veteran sailor blush…….
She was totally oblivious to the world around her.

Finally, totally exhausted, she could control herself no longer ……
she let out an almighty, ear-piercing scream and shouted,
"OK, OK!.... You’re right !!! I CAN'T park the f..king car! ……… You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

 

[Graham]

Ha, ha, ha, ha,

Great

Gra.

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

The Police Dog

 

[Chas]

Police knocked on my door this morning and told me that my dog chased the postman on a bike.

I said, "My dog doesn't even know how to ride a bike?!"

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

Irish maths test
Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees..



"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."




The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.

 

[Chas]

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, She's tall, slim,

with 38D BREASTS, 24" WAIST and 36" HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say,











"Jesus Christ”.

 

[Graham]

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...

Scroll down...

Scroll down...

Scroll down...

Scroll down...

Scroll down...

Scroll down...


'You got Male!


Gra.