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Jokes

HOW TO SPEAK ESSEX (unashamedly stolen from another forum)

This has been an invaluable guide to help us understand some Essex slang.

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item
amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")
assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc
awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")
branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")
cort a panda - A rather large hamburger
dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff")
eye-eels - Women's shoes
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre
garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island
lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")
oi oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs
paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport
reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday
tan - The city of London, the big smoke
webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")
wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police
zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")
 
And the Chinese version:

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?
 
And the saffer/Durban equiv:

CHAROU VOCAB:

lucker – nice
meet up – see you later
cherrie – girl
stekkie – girl
outie – boy
ou – person
lightie – child
garner – child
tune – tell / talk
whatkind – hello
vye – go
skrik – frightened
byzad – frightened
span – a lot of
dala – fight
speech – fight
moor – hit
smaak – like
bru – brother
sissie – sister
ma – mother
bullie – father
cuzzie – cousin
dop – alcohol
skafe – smoke
zol – marijuana
babalas – drunk
cab – car
pozie – house
pozie upon a pozie – double story house
dos – sleep
charou – indian
bruino – coloured
vet – white
madher – good / nice / dumb ass
boppa – tell on / told on
graph – work
Chassie – Chatsworth
Durbs – Durban
waarheid – for true?
waar – true
100’s – excellent
naaring – smell
klere – clothes
swak – nothing / shame
cameway – lets go
red – angry
plek – place
crown – money
shot – thanks
exseh – used at the end of any sentence
28 – gay
morphe – gay
happy – gay
smiling – drunk
jol – party
bra – friend
chommie – friend
blay – live
march – walk
roti o / bread o – hindi person
porridge o – tamil person
slum o – muslim person
hot cross – christian
darkie o – african person
kickdown – run
soek – look
sny – look in a funny way
dagga – mud mixed with water / marijuana
number – song
jigga – fool around with

CHAROU PHRASES:
warrhapened – what happened?
hit a march – take a walk
pull a job – steal something
dala a thing – do something quickly
organise a thing there – get something done
in a quiet style – do something in a quiet way without being noticed
catch a drop – fall
dala a move – do a trick
light a thing / pour a thing – organise the alcohol or ciggarette
meet up in da timingz – see you soon
 
A chap went to see his Doc because he couldn't sh1t so the Doc gave him some suppositories and yer man said they're a bit big to swallow, and the Doc says "no you don't swallow them, you put them in your back passage" a week later he was back and said they don't work, we don't have a back passage in our house so I put them in the porch, but for all the good they did I might as well have stuck them up my ar*e
 
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What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby.

They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital. They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
 
:laughing-lettersrofl:
 
Ha, Ha, Ha, very good, keep me laughing for a long time.

Graham
 
I was at a club with my wife when a beautiful woman came over and said, "Do you want to come to the toilets with me and have some wild sex?"

I said, "Oh, this is awkward... Will you just leave us alone?"

She said, "Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were married."

I said, "I wasn't talking to you."
 
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about
5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

“We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

“I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After
all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
 
Oh Les, you have me in pieces laughing some of your jokes. :clap: :clap:

Graham
 
Breaking news from Egypt


??? ?? ?????? ??????? ??? ???????? ?? ???? ??? ?? ???? ?????? ?????? ?? ???? ???????? ????? ?? ?????? ?????? ??????? ?????? ????? ??????? ??? ????? ?????? ??????? ?????? ????? ?????? ???????? 1,002,450 ??????? ????[2]. ??? ???? ??? ???? ??????? ????????? ??? ?? ????? ?? ???????? ??? ??? ????? ?????? ??? ?? ???? ????? ??? ???? ????? ???????.
????? ??? ????? ?? ????? ?? ?????? ??? ?????? ?? ???????? ??? ?????? ?????? ?? ??????? ????? ???? ???? ??? ????? ?????? ?? ????? ???????. ??? ??? ????? ???? ?????? ???? ???? ????? ??????? ???? ?? ????? ????????.
?????? ???? ???? ??? ?? ???? ?????? ??????? ?? ??????? ?????? ???? ??? ?????? ??? ??????? ???????????? ??? ???? ???? ?????? ??????? ?? ?????? ???? ????? ????? ??????? ?????? ?????? ???? ???? ?????? ?????? ??? ??????? ?? ?????? 40 ??? ??????? ????. ????? ???? ??????? ?????? ????? ????????? ??? ??? ??????. ???? ?????? ?? ??? ?????? ?? ?????? ????? ?? ??????? ??????.
????? ??? ???????? ????????? ???? ??????? ?????? ???? ?? ??????? ??? ????? ?????? ???? ????? ??????? ??????? ??? ???????? ?? ????? ??? ????? ??????? ????? ??????? ??????? ???? ?? ???????? ???????? ???? ??? ????? ?? ??? ?????? ?? ??? ??????? ?? ??????? ?????? ?? ???? ????? ??????.
??? ????? ????? ?? ???? ?????????? ???? ?????? ?? ????? ??????? ?? ?????? ??? ??????? ???????? ???????? ???????? ????? ??????? ??????? ??? ??? ???????? ??????. ?? ???????? ?????? ???? ???? ?????? ????? ??? ??? ??????? ???? ??? ??? ??????????? ??? ????? ?? ?? ????????? ??????? ????????? ???? ??? ??? ?? ??????? ???????

"?? ?? ???? ?? ?????? ????????? ??????? ??????? ????? ??? ??????.

????? ??????? ???? ?? ????? ?? ??? ?? ??? ?? ??? ??????? ?????

?? 30 ?????? ????? ??????? ???? ??.".

Terrible isn't it!!!
I will keep you posted
 
Cossack said:
Breaking news from Egypt


??? ?? ?????? ??????? ??? ???????? ?? ???? ??? ?? ???? ?????? ?????? ?? ???? ???????? ????? ?? ?????? ?????? ??????? ?????? ????? ??????? ??? ????? ?????? ??????? ?????? ????? ?????? ???????? 1,002,450 ??????? ????[2]. ??? ???? ??? ???? ??????? ????????? ??? ?? ????? ?? ???????? ??? ??? ????? ?????? ??? ?? ???? ????? ??? ???? ????? ???????.
????? ??? ????? ?? ????? ?? ?????? ??? ?????? ?? ???????? ??? ?????? ?????? ?? ??????? ????? ???? ???? ??? ????? ?????? ?? ????? ???????. ??? ??? ????? ???? ?????? ???? ???? ????? ??????? ???? ?? ????? ????????.
?????? ???? ???? ??? ?? ???? ?????? ??????? ?? ??????? ?????? ???? ??? ?????? ??? ??????? ???????????? ??? ???? ???? ?????? ??????? ?? ?????? ???? ????? ????? ??????? ?????? ?????? ???? ???? ?????? ?????? ??? ??????? ?? ?????? 40 ??? ??????? ????. ????? ???? ??????? ?????? ????? ????????? ??? ??? ??????. ???? ?????? ?? ??? ?????? ?? ?????? ????? ?? ??????? ??????.
????? ??? ???????? ????????? ???? ??????? ?????? ???? ?? ??????? ??? ????? ?????? ???? ????? ??????? ??????? ??? ???????? ?? ????? ??? ????? ??????? ????? ??????? ??????? ???? ?? ???????? ???????? ???? ??? ????? ?? ??? ?????? ?? ??? ??????? ?? ??????? ?????? ?? ???? ????? ??????.
??? ????? ????? ?? ???? ?????????? ???? ?????? ?? ????? ??????? ?? ?????? ??? ??????? ???????? ???????? ???????? ????? ??????? ??????? ??? ??? ???????? ??????. ?? ???????? ?????? ???? ???? ?????? ????? ??? ??? ??????? ???? ??? ??? ??????????? ??? ????? ?? ?? ????????? ??????? ????????? ???? ??? ??? ?? ??????? ???????

"?? ?? ???? ?? ?????? ????????? ??????? ??????? ????? ??? ??????.

????? ??????? ???? ?? ????? ?? ??? ?? ??? ?? ??? ??????? ?????

?? 30 ?????? ????? ??????? ???? ??.".

Terrible isn't it!!!
I will keep you posted
Egypt, officially the Arab Republic of Egypt, is a State located in the extreme North-East Africa, bordered to the North-East coast of the Mediterranean to the East by the northwest coast of the Red Sea covering an area of 1002450 km² [2]. Egypt country most of its territory, yavrikia but part of its territory, the Sinai Peninsula, located in Asia, is a transcontinental.
Egypt participates in the West borders with Libya, southern Sudan, and North-East with Israel and the Gaza Strip, overlooking the Red Sea. Pass through the Suez Canal land separating the Asian part of the African part.
Most of Egypt's population is concentrated in the Nile Valley, particularly in Cairo that almost a quarter of the population, and Alexandria, and most of the remaining population lives in the Delta and the coastal Mediterranean, Red Sea, the Suez Canal, cities occupy these places a 40,000 square kilometres. While the majority of the Sahara are built-up area of the Republic. Most of the population in Egypt now urban quarter in Cairo.
Egypt is famous for its ancient civilization and some of the world's most famous landmarks, such as the Giza pyramids and Sphinx and effects like the old/existing in the city and good walkrnk and the Valley of the Kings, and great interest of archaeological studies, and display portions of these effects from these locations in major museums throughout the world.
Egypt possesses one of the most developed and diversified economies in the Middle East, with sectors such as tourism, agriculture, industry, services and production levels are almost equal. The Egyptian economy is growing rapidly, due to legislation aimed at attracting investment, with the addition of internal political stability and alongside modern commerce

"What is it with African leaders, and cling, stick to always power.

Give others a chance please, are you la youmal from the same post for more
:?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:
 
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She
went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite
itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it
and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back
of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at
his desk with his penis hanging out.


'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said,
'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come
and pick me up from school.'
 
I was sent a joke this morning but I'm afraid I can't repeat it here, it's most definitely racist, it involved Pork, and believe it or not was actually sent to me by a Muslim.
 
I'm all for humour, Halal humour will do too :lol:
 
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