Jokes

[Pat]

Wife came home and found her husband charging around with a fly swat.What the hell are you doing? he said.killing flies ,I've got three males and two females.Intrigued she said how do you know the difference.Easy ,the three males were on a beer can and the females were on the phone.

 

[Chas]

 

[Chas]

'

 

[Philip A]

My dentist's reception and waiting room has many drawings and pictures of gums, teeth, and related subjects. Then there are heaps of brochures, leaflets and magazines showing you and telling you anything you want to know about teeth, oral hygiene, and related topics.

At my vet's, it's full of all sorts of animals' pictures - and magazines on pets, horses, livestock, beasts small and large.

My travel agent's office is decorated with splendid pictures of exotic views, and you can spend hours reading the illustrated catalogues.

My taxidermist not only has pictures of various beasts, he showcases the real things. Of course it's full of hunting magazines, taxidermy publications, and wildlife revues.

I was very disappointed when I took my wife to her gyno. That slob has really no sense of décor, and is probably illiterate to boot.

 

[Pat]

Murphy had the crookies,so went to the doc.The doc gave him some pills
said take these and when finished bring me a sample and we'll see how you are.
Well murph went off homewards on the way asking old mates " what's a sample"no one knew.he gets home a says to Molly his wife"what's a sample"
She didn't know so Murph says I'll ask Father O'connell.Oh No says Molly every time you see each other you have a big fight.No,says Murph I'll just ask the question and then I'llbe home.Off down the street he goes and sees the good father on the path.Whats a sample O'connell he roared.Go piss in a bottle
says he and murph ina rage cried you can shit in your hat and the fight was on

 

[ayi luna]

very nice..

 

[Chas]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1798525933709823

 

[StarCruiser]

See, there's an answer to every problem…

 

[Pat]

View attachment 108416

Chas we watch the Chase and I reckon we speak English but when we listen to some of the UK folks we just can't understand the dialects.So your joke about Amanda,I looked and looked for a day until understanding hit me and I laughed my head off.

 

[Pat]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1798525933709823

love it.

 

[Pat]

Mickey O'Flynn worked in the pickle factory and he got a burning desire to put his dick in the pickle slicer.well they got atop therapist in to give him counselling but to no avail and the therapist said the mans off his rocker
I can't do a thing so serves him right if he sticks it in the pickle slicer.well the next day he put his dick in the pickle slicer and was fired immediately.
well he got home,told his wife what he'd done and panicking she pulled down his pants to find his penis intact.My godfather what happened to the pocket slicer
oh said Mickey she got fired to.

 

[clivehorridge]

Who needs therapy?

 

[Chas]

 

[Chas]

I used to collect wrist watches and I ended up with lots that never got worn so I joined them together and made a belt I couldn't read them so it was just a waist of time.

 

[Chas]

A dwarf with a speech impediment goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.


"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.

"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".

The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes and then puts him down.

"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".

Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth and then puts him down.

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears and then puts him down.

"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"

With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says,

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"

 

[Pat]

The three bears.
An accurate account of what happened that morning.

Baby bear comes down from his bedroom,sits in his little chair
and looks down into his empty bowl and squeaks who's been eating my porridge.
Father bear comes clumping down and sits in his chair,looks at his bowl
and roars whose been eating my porridge.

Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch and yells,For God's sake
how many times do I have to tell you idiots.
It was mummy bear who got out of bed first and woke you up,it was mummy bear who made the coffee,it was mummy bear who emptied the dishwasher of last nights dishes,it was mummy bear who put everything away.
It was mummy bear who swept the floor,it was mummy bear went out In the cold and got the newspaper and the croissants,It was mummy bear who set the damn table
it was mummy bear who emptied the cats litter and fed her,it was mummybear
who took the dog for a walk and fed and watered him.
and now you have dragged your sorry,grumpy bear arses down here to grace me with your presence just listen carefully because I will only say this ONCE







I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET.

 

[Chas]

 

[clivehorridge]

That one wasn't a waste of time Chas!!

 

[Brian S]

Very very good Pat

 

[Shayne]

This is why friends exist