Don't like the adverts?  Click here to remove them

Jokes

Love it Pat, just about to nick that.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Pat
image.png
 
Not really a joke of course, but…

WHY MEN ARE SO HONEST!!!!!

If you are female and reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if male, then feel proud after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -

"WE, MEN, ARE TRULY HONORABLE !!!"


:)
 
"1994 12v HDJ 81 that spent its first 9 years in Fukushima before coming to me in 2004.
Pretty much standard apart from
30mm EFS lift + 150kg rear and +50kg front.
LED headlights and reverse lights (I can see:dance: )
Red with black window frames and mirrors
Eberspacher air heater."

Headlights are on 24/7, and the whole interior lights up brightly from everywhere - even with engine off and battery removed...

:D:D:D
 
I always wondered why it glowed in the dark…:think: and where the heck Fukushima was. But we all know where that is now don't we…:icon-biggrin:

I suppose it's plausible it may have even been owned by somebody who worked at the plant as I don't suppose there's much else there. I'd love to find out.
 
I got arrested for peeing in the shopping mall water feature.
The judge demanded I explain myself, so I told him I was having gender identity issues.
I got sent to a therapist, who I must mention had a strapping 34-28-36 figure, and she asked me how I identified myself.
I told her I’m Gender Toad.
Through a bemused look she asked what I meant.
I said every time I see a good looking Sheila I get this sense I’ll be a red-blooded male to the day I croak.
I can have visitors on Thursdays and Sundays.
Bazza.jpg
 
Don't like the adverts?  Click here to remove them
:smileycat:
A farmer.jpg



A farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

...
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!!"

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
 
Out in the far colonies,the natives have some quaint customs.Many years ago I attended a funeral for a well respected workmate and at the aftermatch festivities there came the tramping of the house to drive the evil spirits away.
I joined the conga line tramp,tramp through the house open wardrobe doors tramp,tramp tramp chase them away,open broom cupboard gal & boy busily
engaged tramp,tramp,tramp,every bastard had a look but the tramp went on.
 
An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no mattah ...all same.’
 
Qantas Maintenance Reports

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
Tesco Condoms: every little helps

Sainsbury Condoms: making life taste better

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms: The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms: Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms: Finger Licking good.

Minstrals Condoms: melts in your mouth , not in your hands.

Safeway condoms: Lightening the load..

Abbey national condoms: because life is complicated enough.

Coca cola condoms: The real thing.

Ever ready condoms: keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

Pringles condoms: once you pop, you cant stop

Burger king condoms: Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms: "for a longer ride go wide"

FCUK condoms: no comment required.

Muller light condoms: so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halford condoms: we go the extra mile.

On digital condoms: plug in and play !!!!

Royal mail condoms: I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms: Soft, strong and very very long.

Renault condoms: size really does matter!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Pat
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the

Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
 
  • Like
Reactions: Pat
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “...You bastard!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
 
I may have posted this before but we have some new members and it's worth a replay.

A German guy approaches a prostitute.
"I vish to buy zex vit you"
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £50 an hour".
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a leetle kinky".
"No problem", she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So off they go to the girls flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs". The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vil get on your hans und knees".
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill pleeze blow Zis vistle as I make love to you."
She finds this odd, but figures its harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duckcaller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:



"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"








Vait for it







"Ah", says the German, "Zat vos ze Four-sprung duck technique!"
 
A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom " said the boy, "what are all these women doing? "
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replies.

The taxi driver turns around and says, " Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth ? They're hookers, boy ! They have sex with men for money. "

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, " Is that true mom? "
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said
 
A frog hopped into the local branch of his bank, and said to the cashier (Whose name was Patty Whack) "My father is Mick Jagger and I'd like to arrange a loan please", "yes Sir" said the cashier "What can you offer as collateral?"
"Well, I have this little elephant charm on my key ring"
The cashier said "I'll have to check with the manager, just a moment"
She went to the manager and said "I have a frog outside who says his father is Mick Jagger and wants to arrange a loan, but all he has as collateral is a key ring charm, what good is that, and what is it anyway, what should I do?"
The bank manager said
"It's a nick-nack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan his old mans a Rolling Stone.
 
Back
Top