Jokes

[Chas]

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.



A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a chair.



This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.



My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said "40"



I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work.

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

Two blondes meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other blonde replies "You’re on the other side!"

My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.

 

[Brian S]

Bloke goes to the doctors

he says dock, i have a problem with my hearing

doctor says ok, discribe the symptoms

he says

homer is a fat lazy git,
and marge has blue hair.

 

[Brian S]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey

 

[Brian S]

An angry wife met her husband at the door.He smelled of booze and perfume.
I assume" she snarled,"that theres a very good reason,for your waltzing in here,
at six oclock in the morning,with beer on your breath and lipstick on your collar?
There is he replied," Id like Breakfast..!!

 

[Brian S]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'


You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“

 

[Brian S]

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.





The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."





So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.





Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:





1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..


7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the #$%$ out of him..


9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.


10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'


11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."


12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.


13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

 

[Brian S]

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year...

* 9½ Leeks

* Trefforest Gump

* Cwmando

* The Lost Boyos

* An American Werewolf in Powys

* Huw Dares Gwyneth

* Dai Hard

* The Wizard of Oswestry

* Cool Hand Look-you

* Sheepless in Seattle

* The Eagle has Lla ndudno

* The Magnificent Severn

* Haverfordwest Was Won

* Austin Powys

* The Magic Rhonddabout

* Independence Dai

* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time forgot

* Seven Brides from Seven Sisters

* Welsh Connection

* Welsh Connection II

* The Bridge on the River Wye

* Lawrence of Llandybie

* A Beautiful Mind-you

* The Welsh Patient

* The King and Mair

* The Sheepshag Redemption

* Breakfast at Taffynys

* Look You Back in Bangor

* Evans Can Wait

* A Fishguard Called Rhondda

* Where Eagles Aberdare

* Dial M For Merthyr
_________________

 

[Brian S]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they
had condoms

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put it on your bill?'

'No!' Donald quacked, ‘I'll thuffocate.’

 

[Chas]

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.


Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"


But worse than E's........ Police arrested two young lads yesterday. One was actually drinking battery acid, and the other was eating the contents of fireworks.

Apparently, they have charged one and let the other one off.

 

[Chas]

Letter home from a new recruit

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to ...stack - nothin'!! But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' -strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth...

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila.

 

[Brian S]

Teacher:Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Little Johnny : Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

 

[Brian S]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

 

[Brian S]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted

 

[Brian S]

Tracy, the Essex housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Wayne! Wayne!"

Wayne came running in.

"Wayne, I'm stuck! I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Farkinell!" Wayne said, and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get my mate Tyrone to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way, we can't do it," Tyrone said, "so let's try a Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Wayne, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her, that'll release the suction", replied Tyrone.

"Spot on!" Wayne said, "And while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No," Wayne replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen, the tiles were cheaper in there..."

 

[Brian S]

"Mayday, Mayday!"

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "The **** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

 

[Brian S]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.



'What's up?' she asks.


'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.



The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up And says,

"Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and
she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.
She rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.



'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked,
playing hide and seek with the kids!!

 

[Brian S]

At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I'm the bloke who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Welsh coal miners and the bloke in the middle went home for lunch.'

 

[Brian S]

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes we do," he answered.

"Does it work?"

"Yes it does," he answered.

"Can I get it over the counter?"

"Yes....if I take two" he replied.

 

[Pat]

 

[clivehorridge]

Bravo Pat, just like home!