Jokes

[Chas]

This may have been posted before I can't remember.

A couple are driving home and run over a Badger, they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.


Husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up",

Wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks",
He says "Well hold it' f**king nose then!"

 

[Chas]

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear
walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.
The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running
shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear
slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first,
confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't
going to help, you can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said
the first man, "I just need to outrun you."

 

[Brian S]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged
mountains of Alaska.

He was driving along near the campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a helplessDemocrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

 

[Brian S]

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"

The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.

The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"

 

[Brian S]

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of
baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

[Brian S]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
.
.


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.


"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"



He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."



Bugger, didn't notice the punchline didn't come out

 

[Chas]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged
mountains of Alaska.

He was driving along near the campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a helplessDemocrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?[/QUOTEClassic

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged
mountains of Alaska.

He was driving along near the campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a helplessDemocrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

Classic

 

[clivehorridge]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
.
.


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.


"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

I know this one, but I shouldn't tell so early...

 

[Brian S]

Ooops
You were correct young Clive

 

[Pat]

 

[clivehorridge]

Brill, Pat

 

[Brian S]

A Priest was called away to an emergency meeting.
Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the Priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The Rabbi comes and he and the Priest are in the confessional.
After a few minutes a woman comes in and says
"Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The Priest asks "What did you do?".
The woman says "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put £5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest:"How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put £5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the Priest that he thinks he's got the hang of it so the Priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says
"Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for a fiver."

 

[Brian S]

A gorgeous young redhead goes to see her G.P. and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed. Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched herself made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

[Brian S]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Francois," asks one, "ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Francois. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?"

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform two metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?"
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp Two metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?"

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?"

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?"

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burme!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami. And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning

 

[Brian S]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The
clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with
him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of
us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

T he graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational
area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

------------------------------ ------------

Two engineers???

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its
top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but
we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts,
and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure
from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one
feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us.
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are
currently serving in the United States Congress

 

[Brian S]

Daniel walks into a bar in Dublin,
Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three
more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .........
Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Daniel replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de
odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we
promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.
Daniel becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way .......
Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are
finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round,
The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your great loss."
Daniel looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to
laugh,
"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!
Tis me, ...................
I've Quit Drinking!"

 

[lc 120]

Didn't take long did it....

 

[Brian S]

Nicking that one lc

 

[froggy Steve]

me too thats bril!

 

[Brian S]

NATAL CURRY CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no

Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting

From America.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a

Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by

the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer

When they saw the look on my face.



CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone

is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the

beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.



CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a

can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this

stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit

of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot curry?