Jokes

[Graham]

Medical Alert

Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion. This is good to know...
MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
That patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
From receiving
Chicken blood
Rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

 

[Graham]

CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL



This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said,




'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'



The priest fainted!......................

 

[Graham]

Three men, a Canadian farmer, an Arab terrorist and an American Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a magic lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie..
The Canadian says:
I am a farmer and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.



The Arab terrorist was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.



The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains:
Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.
Nothing can get in or out, it's virtually impenetrable.

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,

Fill it with water.'

Gra.

 

[Chas]

Granma’s birth control pills

A doctor who had been seeing an 80yr old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring along a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs Smith, I assure there is absolutely nothing in those pills that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached over and patted the young Doctors knee
“Yes dear, I know that. But every morning I grind up one and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16yr old granddaughter drinks, and believe me that helps me sleep at night”

 

[Annamarie]

hahahaha

 

[Crispin]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 51 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?

 

[TonyP]

 

[Gary Stockton]

Now that's had me chuckling away for 30 minutes so far

 

[Graham]

Ha, ha, ha,

Been there in my bad old youth days

Boy did her husband leg it after are car when we dropped her off.
She could have at least let us drop off at the corner !!!

Gra.

 

[Chas]

A wife stands naked in front of her husband.

She asks him "What turns you on more, my pretty face? my sexy body?"

He replies - "Your sense of humour!"

 

[Annamarie]

 

[joinerman]

"To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs"

 

[Philip A]

Joe the farmer is hitting 60, and decides that help on the farm would be useful.

He goes to the local hire agency, and tells the owner, Ted:

"Am looking for a farm hand. Must be sober, wake up early, and over sixty-five"

"Over sixty-five? Joe, your farm is hard work. I'll send you a good guy, he's in his thirties and works like a mule."

"Ted, I said over sixty-five. I've got a forty years old tractor, and a twenty-seven years old wife. I don't want any of them to get fucked."

 

[Chas]

A young Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall for the first time.




They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.


The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator before) responded, , "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.




The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father



watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.




The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...





"Son, go get your Mother"

 

[Chas]

TWENTY DOLLARS

[SUP]On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state,her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'[/SUP][SUP]
[/SUP]
That's when she shot him!

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

 

[Chas]

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy.
He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come over all giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner."

 

[Chas]

"I asked my wife to moan during sex." She said, "When are you going to paint the f**king ceiling?"

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Annamarie]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he in instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left. Later that night the mother in law decides to try it for herself.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

Her husband thinks long and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

 

[Chas]

That deserves a laugh.