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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Crushers
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- Joined
- Nov 29, 2011
- Messages
- 499
Dave Docwra
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- Apr 24, 2010
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Cossack said:I hear that London is ramping up for the Paralympics ...................
Naughty, but at the same time very good..
Dave.
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Crushers
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2011
- Messages
- 499
not funny but your joke brought it to mind ...
http://forgifs.com/gallery/d/203314-1/M ... alator.gif?
curious as to what she was thinking ...
http://forgifs.com/gallery/d/203314-1/M ... alator.gif?
curious as to what she was thinking ...
Chas
Well-Known Member
That's it, she wasn't thinking. It looked as though she whacked her head pretty hard on the stepCrushers said:not funny but your joke brought it to mind ...
http://forgifs.com/gallery/d/203314-1/M ... alator.gif?
curious as to what she was thinking ...
Chas
Well-Known Member
Two Jewish gentlemen were walking along when one suddenly pounced on an envelope in the road.
"What have you got there Moshe?" said Isaac.
"It's a wage packet" said Moshe "With £250 pounds in it!"
"Oy vey! you lucky man" said Isaac.
"Lucky? look at the tax they stopped me"
"What have you got there Moshe?" said Isaac.
"It's a wage packet" said Moshe "With £250 pounds in it!"
"Oy vey! you lucky man" said Isaac.
"Lucky? look at the tax they stopped me"
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
2. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
3. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
2. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
3. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
Graham
Well-Known Member
trying to thumb a lift last
Stolen from LZ.
trying to thumb a lift last night and a series Landy pulls up i got in the passengers side and the vehicle moves off i turned to look at the driver there's nobody there
froze stiff with fear im sat there and see a corner aproaching and im thinkin how the fook are we gonna get round there ( parp !!) all of a sudden these ghostly hands appeared and steered the [strike:2yzmdeyq]fukker[/strike:2yzmdeyq] LR round the corner
when it got to the lights i thought id make a dash for it so jumped out and there's this big fella stood next to it i just said i wouldn't get in there if i were you there's summot wrong with it
the fella said do yer reccon ive just been pushing the bastid for the last 5 miles !!!
Gra.
Stolen from LZ.
trying to thumb a lift last night and a series Landy pulls up i got in the passengers side and the vehicle moves off i turned to look at the driver there's nobody there
froze stiff with fear im sat there and see a corner aproaching and im thinkin how the fook are we gonna get round there ( parp !!) all of a sudden these ghostly hands appeared and steered the [strike:2yzmdeyq]fukker[/strike:2yzmdeyq] LR round the corner
when it got to the lights i thought id make a dash for it so jumped out and there's this big fella stood next to it i just said i wouldn't get in there if i were you there's summot wrong with it
the fella said do yer reccon ive just been pushing the bastid for the last 5 miles !!!
Gra.
Graham
Well-Known Member
A little boy comes down to breakfast
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
Graham
Well-Known Member
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did.... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did.... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
Graham
Well-Known Member
Girl standing at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain coming from inside.
She asks St Peter what it is.
He says,"That's the sound of angels getting holes drilled in their backs for their wings and in their heads for halos."
She says" I think i'd rather go to hell!"
St Peter replies. "In hell you will get raped and buggered!"
She Says, "Yeah but i already have the [strike:3hlho5xc]fucking[/strike:3hlho5xc] holes for that."
She asks St Peter what it is.
He says,"That's the sound of angels getting holes drilled in their backs for their wings and in their heads for halos."
She says" I think i'd rather go to hell!"
St Peter replies. "In hell you will get raped and buggered!"
She Says, "Yeah but i already have the [strike:3hlho5xc]fucking[/strike:3hlho5xc] holes for that."
Graham
Well-Known Member
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife says,"Where are you going?"
He said, "I’m going to the doctor."
... ...
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I’m going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get a tetanus shot
His wife says,"Where are you going?"
He said, "I’m going to the doctor."
... ...
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I’m going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get a tetanus shot
Graham
Well-Known Member
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs" Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart.
... ...
"What the hell was that?!! he asked.
"OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said.
On the second attempt, the very same thing happened.
He immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs" Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart.
... ...
"What the hell was that?!! he asked.
"OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said.
On the second attempt, the very same thing happened.
He immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
Graham
Well-Known Member
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The Brain said "I should be in charge,because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen"
"I should be in charge" said the Heart "Because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away"
The Stomach said "It should be me, as I process food and give you all energy"
"I should be in charge" said the Rectum,"Because I'm responsible for waste removal"
All the others laughed at the Rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight............
Within a few days, the Brain had a headache, the stomach was bloated and the blood was toxic.... they had to give in. It was agreed that the Rectum should be boss.
The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge......... JUST AN ASSHOLE!
The Brain said "I should be in charge,because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen"
"I should be in charge" said the Heart "Because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away"
The Stomach said "It should be me, as I process food and give you all energy"
"I should be in charge" said the Rectum,"Because I'm responsible for waste removal"
All the others laughed at the Rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight............
Within a few days, the Brain had a headache, the stomach was bloated and the blood was toxic.... they had to give in. It was agreed that the Rectum should be boss.
The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge......... JUST AN ASSHOLE!
