Jokes

[Chas]

Well done Chris for getting this thread back on track.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, Walked into a bar in Dublin ..

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a woman a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the Ballerina a drink!"


The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit,and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"


Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,"Give the Ballerina another Drink!"


The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the Ballerina?"




The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a Ballerina!"

 

[Blown80]

Happy to assist Chas.
Best look after Shaynes missus though, don't want her feeling left out...

Whats the smallest bone in a sheeps body?
A Welshmans penis....




New Zealand........ For Welshmen who prefer sunshine.




and this one is actually true from our visit a while back...

Welsh is the only language in the world where you can hold seven L's in a game of scrabble and still make a five letter word.

 

[Shayne]

So that's why I ended up being a stranger living in a strange land .

 

[reirracpoort]

Being from Australia sometimes the jokes start with "there was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a german"...



And I wondered what nationalities you Englishmen might base the jokes on... I'm amused!

 

[Chas]

Most commonly it's an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman but it depends who you want to take the p*ss out of.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were all seriously ill In hospital. The Scotsman asked if he could hear The bagpipes for one last time before he died and his request was granted.
The Scotsman recovered but every other patient in The hospital died.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub one night when a politician came in looking for votes.
'I'll buy a pint of stout,' said The politician 'for whichever of The three of you gives me The best reason for voting for The government.'
I'll vote for your government,' said The Englishman, 'because it is my democratic duty to do so.'
I'll vote for your government,' said The Scotsman, 'because I hate The opposition.'
I'll vote for your government,' said The Irishman, 'because I want that pint.'

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman took part in an international competition to see who had The greatest ability to endure foul smells.
Each of them had to share a cage for as long as possible with an extremely smelly goat.
The Irishman lasted three minutes.
The Scotsman lasted four minutes.
Then The Englishman went, in and after five minutes The goat came out.

 

[Philip A]

An old man is seated on a bench in a park, crying uncontrollably.

Intrigued, a cop comes close and asks him what's wrong. Sobbing, the old guy explains:

"Today is our wedding anniversary... We've been together for five years, she's twenty-nine and used to be a model, a Miss USA runner-up, and also a professional chef..."

"Wow!!!!" says the cop, as the old man continues:

"Yesterday, I know that she went to Victoria's Secrets, to Chanel, and other boutiques... Today, she spent the whole morning at the beauty salon, and she's been cooking the whole afternoon, preparing a wonderful candlelit dinner at home..."

"Oooh man...." says the cop, while the guy adds:

"During lunchtime, I went to see my friend Gus, the chemist... He gave me some real good stuff, he assured me that I'd be hung like a donkey for the next thirty-six hours... And the thing works, I can't stop staring at every skirt passing, and feel eighteen again..."

The cop, perplexed, says "Old timer, you're the luckiest man alive... I wish I was in your shoes! Why on Earth does all this make you cry like that???"

The old guy howls, sobs, and sheds even more tears than before:

"I can't fekkin' remember where I live!!!!!"

 

[Chas]

If a couple in Kentucky become divorced, are they still brother and sister?

 

[Blown80]

Not sure if I'm repeating any, not reading 75 pages again to check.....


Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising
altitude, the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,
non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is
good, so we should have a uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax,
and...
OH...MY GOD!"
Silence followed.......................
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to
you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled... “For the
luvva Jaysus….you should see the back of mine!"

 

[Blown80]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer
negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it
home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it
on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea.
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but
I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500
refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd
at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.

 

[Chas]

This chap went on a blind date with a girl, and upon seeing her for the first time he said,

"Time stands still when I look into your eyes."

After hearing this, the girl was putty in his hands.

What he really meant was, "you have a face that could stop a clock."

 

[Gary Stockton]

For our Antipodean friends

Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

 

[Paddler Ed]

^ Given I turned up at a friends wedding where the best man had literally followed (his father who was the groom) instructions of "just bring your jeans" I can see why there is the inclusion in the list of socks and shoes... most of us were in RM Williams boots for the lads, and Ariats for the lasses...

 

[Gary Stockton]

IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness.* He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?** He didn't.** I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's - nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.** He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his pram back home!

 

[Blown80]

 

[arthurpl]

One image is worth of thousands words:

It says:
"From the history of great inventions:
Parking sensor"

 

[clivehorridge]

 

[frank rabbets]

News just in.......Milliband loses his balls.

 

[Chas]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 51 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No," - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

We went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"

 

[Gary Stockton]

"What Do We Want?"
"A Cure For Tourettes!"
"When Do We Want It?"
"C*nt!"

 

[Sag]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,
and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait
for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus
arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then
boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell,
then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes
back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!-
against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps
on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,
jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts
cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?
This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week
he's forgotten his friggging key!"