Jokes

[Chas]

A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"


_____________________________________________________________________________

A man is sitting on a plane waiting to get served for drinks but he notices that the refreshments cart seems to have stopped well in front of him. He looks to the front of the plane where all of the air hostesses seem to be running around after one of the passengers who is bossing them around. When he looks closer, he notices that the passenger is a very rude parrot.
"Get me a whisky now bitch!" screamed the parrot, and she hurried off rather nervously to get it.
"Get me some peanuts you whore!" he screamed to another girl, and again in fear of the horrible parrot she rushed off to get some.
The man thought to himself that if he tried the same approach as the parrot then he might get served. The next time an air hostess walked past the man shouted, "Hey slag! Get me a beer!" The air hostess instantly burst into tears and ran to the front of the plane and into the cockpit. A few minutes later the co-pilot and several air hostesses walked back out of the cockpit, grabbed the man and the parrot and threw them out of the plane.
As they began falling towards earth the parrot turned to the terrified man and said, "Well, you're a cheeky fucker for someone who can't fly!"

 

[joinerman]

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motoways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit slip! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me from
thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie. "As a reward I
shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but
let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you
could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like..?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince
Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman
called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see

Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
"Let's have another look at that dog".

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

If 50 Shades was written by a man.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.

As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle 3.'

'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate half my chips.

Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

'Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'

She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'

She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.

They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.

'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said, 'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?'

'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'

'Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!' I did, then I patted it firmly. You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.

My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

 

[clivehorridge]

So I went for a smoke

nice one Andy!

 

[Chas]

An Aussie fella is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.
Woman: Absolutely not. I never ask a man to come in on the first date.
The Man: All right then how about on the last date?

 

[Crispin]

My friend Philip had his bottom lip removed today. I'll call him Phil from now on.

 

[Bungarra]

The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

 

[Chas]

The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

 

[Chas]

The Irish School.....

Eight-year-old Mohammad had just moved to Ireland and entered his classroom on the first day of school.

“What’s your name?" asked the teacher....

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Patrick"

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?," his mother asked.

My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Patrick."

"What?," she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.

Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw all of his bruises "What happened to you, Patrick?" she asked.

"Well, shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two Arabs"

 

[Francesco]

I'm italian and I don’t speak english well enough, so often after reading a joke I have to look at the dictionary, then I start to laugh.
My nephew is now convinced that it’s the funniest book of the world.

 

[Philip A]

I'm italian and I don’t speak english well enough, so often after reading a joke I have to look at the dictionary, then I start to laugh.
My nephew is now convinced that it’s the funniest book of the world.

Se lo và a leggere e ti viene a dire che non capisce le barzellette, da grande farà il carabiniere...

 

[joinerman]

That's easy for you to say.

 

[Philip A]

In court in a small sleepy town, the prosecution calls the first witness, a frail, really old lady.

The DA approaches the witness and asks:

- Mrs. Williams, you recognize me...

- Oh yes, I recognize you, Billy Thompson! I've seen you grow up, and you went from being disappointing to being despicable. You cheat on your wife, you lie as fast as you can breathe, you are manipulative, you slander honest people, and you're greedy. You think that you're great in the sack, while everyone in town knows that you shoot your load in ten seconds flat. I know you quite alright, and that's not something I'm proud of.

Taken aback and at a loss for words, the DA does not really know what to do, and points to the Defense, saying:

- Er... Mrs. Williams, and...

Before he can continue, Mrs Williams snaps:

- Yes, I know that wannabe-lawyer, Tommy Tyler. Since he was a baby, him too. He's lazy, he's obese, he's an alcoholic, and he has rotten teeth. He can't have sex unless he swallows pills, he's cheating on his wife with three different women, one of them being your wife. Yes, I do know him too...

The Defense lawyer is nearing a heart attack, but before he can open his mouth the Judge beckons them to the bench, with a stern look on his face.

They approach, and the Judge says, half-growling, in a low tone:

- Now listen very well, gentlemen: if any of you two scoundrels ask the lady if she knows me, I jail you both for contempt!

 

[Blown80]

This one is just to bring the thread back up the top for you Chas.


During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, ‘I have a reason to thank the Lord.’
‘Two months ago, my husband, John, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.’
‘The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.’
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor John experienced.
She continued, ‘John was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.’
‘We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.’
‘They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of John's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.’
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on John.
She continued, ‘Now, John is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, ‘I'm John and I would like to remind my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum'.

 

[Chas]

Nice one Chris, here's a similar one,

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon in his own country could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: " Yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, he calls his surgeon, and yells:

"You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's, you can still hear OK"

"Yes, I can hear, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

 

[Blown80]

Chas, the Express Train to Hell is pulling into the station now. Please have your ticket ready.
You're going for a little ride after that one.

 

[Chas]

This is not a joke, it's supposed to be true, when I heard it I nearly wet meself.
Apparently in the procession at the Queens Coronation the Queen of Tonga was sharing a carriage with The Queen Mother when one of the horses pulling the carriage farted, the Queen Mother apologised to the other Queen who said "Oh! I thought it was the horse"

 

[clivehorridge]

Always polite, the Queen, but fancy blaming a defenseless horse...

Left a mark as well, Queen Nanasipau'u was heard to mutter, Im sure it's that smell again...

 

[Chas]

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it’s a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.
"Absolutely not," says theMullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?" says the man.

"No," answered the Mullah,"It's forbidden in Islam.”

"Well, okay," says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions? “Asks the man.

"No problem, “says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?"

"Sure," says the Mullah. “Go for it!"

"Doggy style?" "Sure!”
"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

“Absolutely not!” says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing!"