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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
POSSIBLY THE BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR?????
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees".
She did.
"Now pull down my zipper".
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out ...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered
"Well...go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ..and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello, mum can you hear me?"
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees".
She did.
"Now pull down my zipper".
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out ...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered
"Well...go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ..and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello, mum can you hear me?"
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
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I was walking along the high street with my wife today when she suddenly stopped and said, "Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?"
"Of course not." I replied.
"So why the balaclava then?" she asked.
I said, "It's in fashion"
"Really? Do you see any other women wearing one?"
"Of course not." I replied.
"So why the balaclava then?" she asked.
I said, "It's in fashion"
"Really? Do you see any other women wearing one?"
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2014
- Messages
- 1,502
Perhaps this ought to be a new limerick sub section, but this one made me smile:
The lass I brought home was a prize,
With an alluring pair of bright blue eyes,
Her breasts, so well kept,
Were what I'd expect,
But her penis was quite a surprise.
The lass I brought home was a prize,
With an alluring pair of bright blue eyes,
Her breasts, so well kept,
Were what I'd expect,
But her penis was quite a surprise.
There was a young gay from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what with which and to whom
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The birds and the bees brought up to date.
"Dad, how was I born"?
"Well, my son, me and mom knew one day we would have to discuss this, so I'll explain what you need to know in today's terminology"
"One day, Mom and Dad connected on Facebook and became friends. Dad sent a tweet inviting Mom to go to a cybercafé. We found that we had many links and likes in common and we understood each other very well.
When we were not on the laptop, we would talk on Whatsapp and Skype.
And we were giving more likes, until one day we decided to share our files.
Dad introduced his USB stick to Mom's USB port. When the files were downloaded, we realized that we had forgotten the security software and that we had no firewall or snapshot filter.
It was too late to cancel the download and it was impossible to delete the files, generating the message "INSTALLATION SUCCESSFUL".
With this the monthly notifications of your mother stopped arriving and nine months later you appeared as a new user contact, requesting a login and password".
"Hope that helps my boy"..
"Dad, how was I born"?
"Well, my son, me and mom knew one day we would have to discuss this, so I'll explain what you need to know in today's terminology"
"One day, Mom and Dad connected on Facebook and became friends. Dad sent a tweet inviting Mom to go to a cybercafé. We found that we had many links and likes in common and we understood each other very well.
When we were not on the laptop, we would talk on Whatsapp and Skype.
And we were giving more likes, until one day we decided to share our files.
Dad introduced his USB stick to Mom's USB port. When the files were downloaded, we realized that we had forgotten the security software and that we had no firewall or snapshot filter.
It was too late to cancel the download and it was impossible to delete the files, generating the message "INSTALLATION SUCCESSFUL".
With this the monthly notifications of your mother stopped arriving and nine months later you appeared as a new user contact, requesting a login and password".
"Hope that helps my boy"..
There is nothing wrong with me
I'm healthy as can be..
I have arthritis in both knees
and when I talk I talk with a wheeze...
my pulse is weak and my blood is thin but I'm very well for the shape I'm in...
Sleep is denied me night after night but when I wake in the morning I find I'm alright......
My memory is fading and my heads in a spin but I'm very well for the shape I'm in ...
The morale of this story I unfold, for you and me who are getting old,
Its better to say you are well with a grin than to let them know the shape your in. ...
Yes I know my my youth is spent, one day it just got up and went.....
But age is Golden I've heard it said
but I sometimes wonder when I get in to bed,
with my ears in the draw and my teeth in a cup
and my eyes on the table until I wake up ..
Just before sleep overtakes me I say to myself is there anything else I can leave on the shelf ?
I get up each morning and dust off my wits then pick up the news paper to read the Obits..
If my name is still missing I know im not dead
so I have a good breakfast and go back to bed ..
I'm healthy as can be..
I have arthritis in both knees
and when I talk I talk with a wheeze...
my pulse is weak and my blood is thin but I'm very well for the shape I'm in...
Sleep is denied me night after night but when I wake in the morning I find I'm alright......
My memory is fading and my heads in a spin but I'm very well for the shape I'm in ...
The morale of this story I unfold, for you and me who are getting old,
Its better to say you are well with a grin than to let them know the shape your in. ...
Yes I know my my youth is spent, one day it just got up and went.....
But age is Golden I've heard it said
but I sometimes wonder when I get in to bed,
with my ears in the draw and my teeth in a cup
and my eyes on the table until I wake up ..
Just before sleep overtakes me I say to myself is there anything else I can leave on the shelf ?
I get up each morning and dust off my wits then pick up the news paper to read the Obits..
If my name is still missing I know im not dead
so I have a good breakfast and go back to bed ..
Last edited:
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2010
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- 6,052
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Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2014 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2014 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
Alert for Andy Lomas,
Did you hear about the hearse that careered down the high street after it's brakes failed. it crashed through the window of Boots the chemist. the driver jumped out & said
"Have you got anything to stop this coffin"
Did you hear about the hearse that careered down the high street after it's brakes failed. it crashed through the window of Boots the chemist. the driver jumped out & said
"Have you got anything to stop this coffin"
I was asked to cook the octopus. I was told to put it in a pan with some water and boil for an hour.
Six hours later my wife came home from work and yelled from the kitchen "this octopus is still raw".
"I know" I replied. "It keeps turning the gas off!!!!"
Six hours later my wife came home from work and yelled from the kitchen "this octopus is still raw".
"I know" I replied. "It keeps turning the gas off!!!!"
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She hopefully asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother a tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone... and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood tests just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother a tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone... and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood tests just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
- Messages
- 5,911
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fuming Got a ticket for undertaking on the M6 Running late yesterday and so I opted to use the motorway instead of the A500. I joined just before they closed the slip road to allow a royal motorcade with Prince Charles and Camilla in heading to Cornwall...they were travelling along under police protection but so bloody slow.... They were doing 48 in lane three.. I waited and waited hoping they would move over. . Hoping they would speed up. But they didn't.. I got impatient and used lane 1 to pass them at 65 as they continued to do less than 50.. Stopped by lead police motorcade biker.. He told me off and wrote me a ticket.. I asked "why?" He said its because i saw you "pass the duchy on the left hand side.."
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
haha
