Jokes

[Dave Docwra]

American History

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan,
who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't
from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: F . . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher,
'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying
against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, Oh ****, we're ******!

Little Hodaiki said quietly, Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.

 

[Graham]

Hi Chas, nice true one from the Royals,,,,,
Back of a bus springs to mind...

Gra.

Nice one Dave,

I can't make my mind up if Clinton is a sub-desk hero with Monica though.
Did he earn some invisible "man points" for that?

Gra.

 

[Gary Stockton]

Never Piss Off A Nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil" ....

 

[Chas]

Following on the Medical/Hospital theme

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilized or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilized or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs. Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*ck all in here

 

[Chas]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, good looking, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 45, 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, well I don't want THAT one back.

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

A three months pregnant Irish woman falls into a deep coma and six months later when she awakes she asks the Doctor about her baby.

Doctor; You had twins, a boy and a girl and they are both doing well, your brother named them for you.

Woman; Oh no, not my brother! He’s an idiot, OK, tell me, what did he name the girl?

Doctor; Denise.

Woman; Well that isn’t so bad, what did he name the boy?

Doctor; Denephew.

 

[Chas]

The suicide Bomber instructor to his pupils "Now watch carefully I will only do this once"

 

[Chas]

David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

He greets one.

The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm.

Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit.





Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, Cameron moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle


Now seriously troubled, Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,

'Is this a psychiatric ward?'



'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.' "

 

[Crispin]

I had a happy childhood, my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill, they were Goodyears...

 

[nivapilot]

^^^ GROAAAAN ^^^

 

[Chas]

I had a happy childhood, my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill, they were Goodyears...

If this is the standard we are reduced to Crispin, let me tell you about my Teddy.

I've still got my old Teddy Bear, he was originally covered in a plush velvet material but over the years most has worn off, so I call him Fred . . . . . .
Fred bear . . . . . geddit?

I'll get my coat

 

[Crispin]

ok ok. I admit. I was awful. Let's not let this thread descend. I quite enjoy the jokes that arrive here...

 

[Chas]

A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'You there's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four main types of bras to choose from.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It's all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.

 

[Chas]

With breathless anticipation the crowd awaits the unveiling of the Alex Ferguson statue.

 

[Crispin]

At a couples conference, the speaker mentioned that couples are so
disconnected that 85% of husbands don’t know their wives’ favourite
flower.

Koos turned to his wife and whispered:
“Dis self-raising, nê skat?"

 

[Red Oktober]

The old ones are the best lol....




Something to hopefully bring a smile to your face . . .





· The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.


· A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....


· I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


· My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


· I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


· I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


· I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.


· Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


· My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


· Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


· Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”


· I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


· I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


· A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.


· I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.


· The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


· The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through

the change."


· When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have

to reverse the bloomin thing


· Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


· Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


· A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked


· Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chris]

This is a first for me. Non Cruiser related banter? Nice one liners by the way Carl. Did you find Bob Monkhouse's joke book. I just wish I could remember them.

Pinched this off another forum

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.

I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there, do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

 

[Chas]

That's a cracker for the first one Chris, keep 'em coming