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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
This one had me crying Carl. Get anymore of those please stick them up.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
Chris
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
Chris
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Any more out there?
Chris
New insurance products coming onto the market all the time. Now you can get sex insurance.
Sex with your wife Legal & General
Sex on the telephone Direct Line
Sex with your partner Standard Life
Sex with someone different Go Compare
Sex with a fat bird More Than
Sex on the back seat of a car Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a posh bird Privileged
Sex with an OAP Saga
Sex with a transvestite Confused.com
Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust
Sex with your secretary - Employers Liability
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex with your biographer - Quote Me Happy
Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go
Sex with animals - Compare the meerkat.com
Sex with sheep - Farmers Union
Sex with yourself - Budget
Any more out there?
Chris
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Loved this one….
The Yellow Light
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
The Yellow Light
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
approached his assistant
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the
clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me
patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had
a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir"
says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks
the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyt'ing including her bra and her
panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any
man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
approached his assistant
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the
clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me
patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had
a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir"
says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks
the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyt'ing including her bra and her
panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any
man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
The postman
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says,
'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says,
'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
Graham
Well-Known Member
A long haired Hippie
A long haired Hippie walked into the local Dole office to pick up his dole
cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I
just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'
The girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.' 'We
have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex
drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
Located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year.'
The wide-eyed, Hippie said, 'You're bullsh*tin' me!'
The Dole office worker replied, 'Yeah, well......You started it.'
A long haired Hippie walked into the local Dole office to pick up his dole
cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I
just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'
The girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.' 'We
have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex
drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
Located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year.'
The wide-eyed, Hippie said, 'You're bullsh*tin' me!'
The Dole office worker replied, 'Yeah, well......You started it.'
Graham
Well-Known Member
Council Job Interview
Council Job Interview
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am – and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm,
why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls
There's no point in you coming in for that.
Council Job Interview
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am – and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm,
why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls
There's no point in you coming in for that.
Graham
Well-Known Member
My boy's typically South African. A future 'Bok for sure.'
SOUTH AFRICAN BOERESEUN
A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his cellphone
rings.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar
announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and says,
'We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African. A
future 'Bok for sure.'
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard.
One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.
Barman says 'We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to
how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's.
The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already
weighed 12kg on the day he was born'.
The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer,
wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and says: 'Had him
circumcised, boet'.
SOUTH AFRICAN BOERESEUN
A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his cellphone
rings.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar
announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and says,
'We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African. A
future 'Bok for sure.'
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard.
One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.
Barman says 'We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to
how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's.
The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already
weighed 12kg on the day he was born'.
The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer,
wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and says: 'Had him
circumcised, boet'.
Crushers
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2011
- Messages
- 499
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Chas
Well-Known Member
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race and it won again.
The local paper headline read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for £10.
The next day the papers headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race and it won again.
The local paper headline read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for £10.
The next day the papers headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
1. Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha
sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto"
2. Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is
being
carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just
above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
3. A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it we us."
4. A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he
decides
to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman "Nay, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin a bone!"
sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto"
2. Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is
being
carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just
above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
3. A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it we us."
4. A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he
decides
to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman "Nay, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin a bone!"
