I just heard about two young Indian lads who accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, they're both in hospital . . . one's in a Korma the other's got a dodgy Tikka. 
Yeah, yeah I know they get worse.
Yeah, yeah I know they get worse.
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- Thread starter Chas
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Bungarra
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The Crab & the Princess
Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears. “We can’t see each other anymore…” she sobbed. “Why?” gasped Duncan. “Daddy says that crabs are too common,” she wailed. “He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean…and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways.”
Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the Lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father’s side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor…and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush…
For quite a while…
Finally, the crab spoke…
“f##k, I’m p*ssed…”
Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears. “We can’t see each other anymore…” she sobbed. “Why?” gasped Duncan. “Daddy says that crabs are too common,” she wailed. “He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean…and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways.”
Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the Lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father’s side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor…and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush…
For quite a while…
Finally, the crab spoke…
“f##k, I’m p*ssed…”
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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!"
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!"
Stay away from Iraq and Syria for a few days Chas, that's my advice for what it's worth.
It was a bit strange for me last week in Istanbul, knowing the USA was bombing hell out of Al Raqqah, in the neighboring country.
Lucky Istanbul is in the West of Turkey
It was a bit strange for me last week in Istanbul, knowing the USA was bombing hell out of Al Raqqah, in the neighboring country.
Lucky Istanbul is in the West of Turkey
Two elderly men were talking.
“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse; Parkinson”s or Alzheimer”s?" one said.
His friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."
“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse; Parkinson”s or Alzheimer”s?" one said.
His friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."
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Like it Chas, .... "Glass half full"... approach to life! 
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny in Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?”
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said “Ah! NOW I know where I put my hearing aid.”
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
A woman walks into Tiffany's .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it as she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woopsie and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...
But as she turned around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her, good looking as well, . . . Cool as acucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's...
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam .. How may we help you today???
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet??’
He answers,"Madam .. If you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price .."
Ethel noticed something funny in Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?”
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said “Ah! NOW I know where I put my hearing aid.”
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
A woman walks into Tiffany's .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it as she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woopsie and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...
But as she turned around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her, good looking as well, . . . Cool as acucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's...
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam .. How may we help you today???
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet??’
He answers,"Madam .. If you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price .."
Last edited:
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A very senior man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!'
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!'
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better thanyou."
Wife: "Who told you that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better lover than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "OK, How much do you want?"
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better thanyou."
Wife: "Who told you that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better lover than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "OK, How much do you want?"
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have a question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.
"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have a question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.
"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
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A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
I like that Andy, I know a priest, he's a family friend and even though he knows I have no real religeous ties, we get along just fine. He's quite 'normal' in every respect and has a very quiet approach to these things, it's the sort of comment I would expect him to make!
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
“I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!” was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out abeautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right.
"This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"
I do a flat rate, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.."
"Can you do two for me now?"
“Sure, what do you want?”
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been a mouthy cow, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The Hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the Hit man calmly, "I think I can saveyou a grand here."
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
“I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!” was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out abeautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right.
"This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"
I do a flat rate, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.."
"Can you do two for me now?"
“Sure, what do you want?”
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been a mouthy cow, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The Hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the Hit man calmly, "I think I can saveyou a grand here."
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In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement ...and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, and he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fcuk off."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fcuk off."
tonytoyota
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Love that. Only the truth!
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A good Catholic Nun working in a convent next to a construction
site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some
time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and
talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot
where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"'
The worker yelled back, "'Cause his Mum's here with his lunch."
site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some
time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and
talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot
where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"'
The worker yelled back, "'Cause his Mum's here with his lunch."
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5 Indisputable Facts
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
