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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2013
- Messages
- 17,108
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "Fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, "That's good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well that was good Sally, but I want the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, " My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
The teacher fainted..................
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, "That's good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well that was good Sally, but I want the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, " My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
The teacher fainted..................
one of the few little Johnny jokes that is postable...
Chas
Well-Known Member
Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay
Now my database has gone away
Oh I believe in yesterday
Suddenly
There’s not half the files there used to be
And there’s a millstone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly
Oh I believe in yesterday
I pushed something wrong,
what it was I could not say
Now all my data’s gone and
I long for yesterday-ay-ay
Yesterday
The need for backups seemed so far away
I knew my data was all here to stay
Now I believe in yesterday!
Last edited:
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Chas
Well-Known Member
A doctor who had been seeing an 80yr old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs Smith, I assure there is absolutely nothing in those pills that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached over and patted the young Doctors knee
“Yes dear, I know that. But every morning I grind up one and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16yr old granddaughter drinks, and believe me that helps me sleep at night”
At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs Smith, I assure there is absolutely nothing in those pills that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached over and patted the young Doctors knee
“Yes dear, I know that. But every morning I grind up one and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16yr old granddaughter drinks, and believe me that helps me sleep at night”
Chas
Well-Known Member
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour was asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"OK, do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The leadman was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "It's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fook for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"OK, do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The leadman was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "It's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fook for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the
lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and
said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll
have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft
sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some
candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in
your life."
The old lady still says nothing but, after a couple minutes, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds
it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."
lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and
said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll
have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft
sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some
candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in
your life."
The old lady still says nothing but, after a couple minutes, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds
it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess, I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t, ever happen again.
The man, upon receiving the text, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Bloody auto spell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . !
I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess, I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t, ever happen again.
The man, upon receiving the text, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Bloody auto spell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . !
Bloody auto spell! 
Chas
Well-Known Member
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
If you get an email saying it's it contains a nude picture of Anne Widdecombe don't open it, it contains a nude picture of Anne Widdecombe.
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50 a minute (charges may vary).
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3months is going to shift this beer belly.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
If you get an email saying it's it contains a nude picture of Anne Widdecombe don't open it, it contains a nude picture of Anne Widdecombe.
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50 a minute (charges may vary).
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3months is going to shift this beer belly.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
Chas
Well-Known Member
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as alodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there, do you have hair there?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"Yes," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there, do you have hair there?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"Yes," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
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Chas
Well-Known Member
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen
Chas
Well-Known Member
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat between them.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'll make a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says,
'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'll make note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shite all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent
'Why'd he do that?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'll make a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says,
'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'll make note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shite all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent
'Why'd he do that?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
Chas
Well-Known Member
A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Chas
Well-Known Member
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left.The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.
After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure you like this place?"
"It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?"
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left.The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.
After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure you like this place?"
"It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?"
Two guys in their early thirties were chatting at the bar. One of them said:
"Gosh, you really look like crap. What's wrong with you?l"
His friend replied:
"Man, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time. Morning, lunchtime, afternoon, evening, middle of the night, she never gets enough... I can't start buying Viagra wholesale at my age, can I? And my Johnson is getting blisters now..."
An old geezer sitting nearby leaned over and told him:
"Marry her, son, marry her. She'll stop that nonsense real fast..."
"Gosh, you really look like crap. What's wrong with you?l"
His friend replied:
"Man, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time. Morning, lunchtime, afternoon, evening, middle of the night, she never gets enough... I can't start buying Viagra wholesale at my age, can I? And my Johnson is getting blisters now..."
An old geezer sitting nearby leaned over and told him:
"Marry her, son, marry her. She'll stop that nonsense real fast..."
froggy Steve
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jul 26, 2012
- Messages
- 2,739
- Country Flag
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
