Jokes

[Crushers]

This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."

The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.

He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

 

[Chas]

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I'll have a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I'll have a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. (Must have come from Yorkshire )

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I'll have the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'





You're gonna LOVE me for this....





The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

 

[Chas]

A man on a motorbike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states.
He carried a bag of sand.
On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go.
The next day this man was stopped with his motorbike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out.
Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal.
This sequence carried on for about three years.
One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub.
"Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Motorbikes," he said.

 

[Mark N]

 

[Gary Stockton]

QUIZ :

ARE YOU A MALE OR FEMALE?

NOT SURE?

HAVE A LOOK FURTHER DOWN TO FIND OUT...
..
..
..


























NOT IN THIS POST, YOU DAFTY !!!!


I worry about you lot sometimes.

 

[Crushers]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

[Crushers]

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.
This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr.Bush and explained, "Mr.
President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
George W. the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought.
You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

 

[Chas]

A fellow goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.
The foreman takes him around the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job. "What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check one in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.
She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering. After he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the lights again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fellow, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 7:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fellow faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort) pass on the production line.
He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fellow just looks at the secretary Who says . . . . with a shrug of her shoulders,

"Sorry, company policy. You have to work a week in hand first."

 

[Chas]

A fellow goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.
The foreman takes him around the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job. "What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check one in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.
She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering. After he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the lights again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fellow, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 7:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fellow faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort) pass on the production line.
He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fellow just looks at the secretary Who says . . . . with a shrug of her shoulders,

"Sorry, company policy. You have to work a week in hand first."

 

[Gary Stockton]

Rules For Driving In South Africa (and Zim too, I expect...)

1. Never indicate - it gives away your next move. A real south African
driver never uses indicators.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and
the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and
a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of
getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it
and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking should be as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS
kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way
to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary, given only as a guideline. They are
especially NOT applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's
called 'rush hour....'

8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that the South African driver flashing his high
beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed
idiot driver thanks to the government, placing holes in key locations to
test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant
the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of
the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.

12. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there
first, by whatever means necessary.

13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection
after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic
principle that cause the big traffic jams during rush hour.

 

[Chas]

I don't know how my previous joke got posted twice, but here's another quicky;
______________________________________________________________

How do you make three pounds of fat look good?
Stick a nipple on it.

 

[Chas]

The Thames river police stop two Asian gentlemen in a rowing boat, rowing towards central London.

The captain gets on the loud hailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading? “

One of the Pakistani gentlemen stands up and shouts, "We are invading the United Kingdom !"

The crew of the Police launch all start laughing and when the captain finally stops, he gets back on the loud hailer and says "Just the two of you then?“

The Pakistani gentleman stands up again and shouts, "No, we`re just the last two. The rest are already here!"

 

[Gary Stockton]

Got home really late last night, and found this from my dearest in the kitchen:

 

[Chas]

He's lost it!

 

[joinerman]

An old man walks into the barber shop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
However, the old man wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,
"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

 

[Annamarie]

an old man walks into the barber shop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
However, the old man wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,
"just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

:d
:d:d
:d:d

 

[Annamarie]

can't get my signature up

 

[Dave Docwra]

My mate swallowed my iphone and it got stuck in his throat, what an idiot I could ring his neck.

 

[Chas]

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get his annual medical check up.
A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc,
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

 

[Annamarie]

hahahahahah