Jokes

[Graham]

[FONT=&quot]In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said I dont find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I said Sorry mate. Did he drown?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]No, he said, he choked on a sock.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[Graham]

[FONT=&quot]Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement! That's when I thought …. wait a minute[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[Graham]

[FONT=&quot]A blonde orders a beer.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him![/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Why do you let the bartender do it?'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[joinerman]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise!

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked, 'How does that feel'?

’Feels great’, he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken’!

 

[joinerman]

Going to get myself on that TV programme about Embarrassing Bodies.

One of my testicles is definatley bigger than the other two !

 

[joinerman]

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her barn doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.



Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.



Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."



"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".



"That's really nice" said Jane.



The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!”



"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third".



"That's from John, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse.



"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

 

[Chas]

Reminds me of a letter I read recently in the paper which said "Should I be thinking of another child after 38" I would say 38 kids is more than enough.

 

[joinerman]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' £90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000.?
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

 

[Chas]

Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping, . . . scared the shit out of his dog.

 

[Graham]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

.
.
Ha, ha, ha, that's funny, really made me chuckle.

Gra.

 

[Annamarie]

joke above the last one

 

[TonyP]

A U.S. army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious, on the left-hand side of the road.

On the right-hand side was a British soldier in a similar, but less serious state. The Brit was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the American platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported: ‘I was recce-ing the highway here when suddenly; coming towards me from the south was a heavily-armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

‘I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein had been a miserable, lowlife scumbag who‘d got what he deserved. The insurgent yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying, one-eyed porridge wog. And furthermore, Lord Mandelson is a pillow-biting gay bastard!

‘So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced lesbian.

"He retaliated by saying that so does Harriet Harman.
‘And, there we were in the middle of the road shaking hands, when the *** bus hit us”

 

[Bungarra]

An Australian Aboriginal picks up a hooker. 'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks. '$100,' she replies. He says 'Do you do Aboriginal style?' 'No' she says. 'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style' 'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is. 'I pay you $300' 'No', she says. 'I pay you $400' 'No', she says. So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style..' She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''. So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal style'?' The Aboriginal replies 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment'

 

[Annamarie]

 

[55palfers]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

 

[Euan McGilp]

50 Shades of... ???

copied from elsewhere......

[FONT=times new roman,serif]
As erotic literature gets ever more niche, I have managed to secure some excerpts from a new work by a chap called Colin whose writing probably caters more to the taste of the average man . . . . . . .


We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...

but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.


"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."


"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?"


I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.


"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."


"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.


"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.


"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.[/FONT]

 

[MikeA]

Ha, ha, ha. Very good Euan.

 

[Euan McGilp]

If this one doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will . . . Enjoy ! ! ! > A nice human interest story comes along every once in a while . . . > > > This is for all the grand parents, and anyone else with a sense of humor, out there. > > Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. > > My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. > > As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. > Thank you for the food, > > and I would even thank you more > > if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. > > And liberty and justice for all! Amen!" > > Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, > > I heard a woman remark, > > "That's what's wrong with this country. > > Kids today don't even know how to pray. > > Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" > > Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, > > "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" > > As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, > > an elderly gentleman approached the table. > > He winked at my grandson and said, > > "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." > > "Really?" my grand-son asked. > > "Cross my heart," the man replied. > > Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added > > (indicating the woman whose remark > had started this whole thing), > > "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. > > A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." > > Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. > > My grandson stared at his for a moment, > > and then did something I will remember the > rest of my life. > > He picked up his sundae and, without a word, > > walked over and placed it in front of the woman. > > With a big smile he told her, > > "Here, this is for you. > > Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch!" ​

 

[Chas]

 

[Euan McGilp]

let me see if i got this right…

cross the north korean border illegally you'll get 12 years hard labor

cross the iranian border illegally you'll be detained indefinitly

cross the afghan border illegally you'll get shot.


Cross the saudi arabian border illegally you'll be jailed


cross the chinese border illegally you'll never be heard from again.


Cross the venezuelan border illegally you'll be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.


Cross the cuban border illegally you'll be thrown into political prison to rot


if you cross the uk border illegally you get:

A job – if you want it
a drivers license
social security card
housing benefit
a whole list of benefits for your family and friends… even those ‘back home’
credit cards
subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house
free education
free health care
a lobbyist in london
the right to stay even if you are a terrorist – because your human rights might be infringed if you are deported
billions of pounds worth of public documents printed in your language


the right to carry your country's flag while you burn our national flag and protest that you don't get enough respect


i just wanted to make sure i had a firm grasp on the situation.