Jokes

[Chas]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can geta haircut?" Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber says, "This must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "Your house!"

 

[Neil Stone]

Fireworks - I couldn't help myself, this so funny...!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1499375658252

Brilliant !

 

[Chas]

Fireworks - I couldn't help myself, this so funny...!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1499375658252

That IS funny, but I can't help thinking it is some sort of fake set-up, his reaction after the bang looks a little 'posed' also before he lit the firework he turned off the room light BUT when he picked himself up after the bang the light had switched on by itself and the pattern on his T-shirt had disappeared.

 

[grantw]

Hrmm .. not sure if the light did switch on or if it was the camera adjusting to the bright light of the explosion.

Still damn funny though.

 

[Chas]

Hrmm .. not sure if the light did switch on or if it was the camera adjusting to the bright light of the explosion.

Still damn funny though.

What about the T-shirt pattern and his posed reaction?

 

[grantw]

The pattern can be explained by the camera adjusting for brighter light making the dark colours too dark to see i.e the darkish blue is outside the dynamic range of the cameras image sensor.

staged reaction ... can't explain that!

 

[Chas]

The pattern can be explained by the camera adjusting for brighter light making the dark colours too dark to see i.e the darkish blue is outside the dynamic range of the cameras image sensor.

staged reaction ... can't explain that!

Most definitely a different T-shirt, as well as the pattern the neck line is tighter and the sleeves are shorter. Enough already, lets stick to jokes.

 

[Gary Stockton]

I grew up in Springs and Brakpan They always the brunt of jokes (deservedly so...)

Now that IS funny, CP - but not something you should be admitting to on an open forum ??

 

[Shayne]

The mrs asked me to wash the dog before i went to work this morning and the good news is he nows smells great

Bad news is he's dead and the washing machine is f..ked !

 

[Caron De Kock]

@Cossack
@Gary Stockton

Well guys, you both should be on CSI as I think you are spot on - had a look again and your right..! Well done

 

[Annamarie]

That IS funny, but I can't help thinking it is some sort of fake set-up, his reaction after the bang looks a little 'posed' also before he lit the firework he turned off the room light BUT when he picked himself up after the bang the light had switched on by itself and the pattern on his T-shirt had disappeared.

 

[Chas]

Slightly new twist on an old joke.
.
A young Chinese waiter fell madly in love with his co-worker, a waitress.

Eventually, after a long courtship, they married.

She's a virgin, and is a bit nervous ... so is he ... but she doesn't know this.

On the wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be re-assuring.

"My darring", he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and yew be berry frighten. I pomiss yew, I gib yew anyting yew want. I do anyting .. juss anyting yew want ... yew juss ask.

"So ... whatchew want"??? he says, trying to sound worldly and experienced, which he hopes will impress her.

A long silence follows while he waits quietly and patiently for her request.

Eventually she shyly whispers, " I wanna try sumting I hear about from otha girls .. call "Numba 69."

After a long silence, he leaps out of bed and yells "jeezzez krise! Yew wants Garlic chicken wiss steam vegetable???"

 

[Shayne]

Why dont you drive with your wife?


A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place .....

The man says: What's the problem officer?

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir. I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. Your were going 80!

(Man gives his wife a dirty look)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail Light!

Wife: Oh, Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: turns to his wife and yells - "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife: No, only when he's been drinking."

 

[Red Oktober]

That's very good ....

 

[joinerman]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then
visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her
nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman
sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her
body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I
couldn't help but notice," he said, "that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied, "I have a very rare
medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never
heard of that condition before," he said, "are you taking anything for
it?"

The woman nodded, "Black pepper."

 

[froggy Steve]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He
decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day. The son says, "I did
some school work." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I
was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
The son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok,
Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The
robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says, “Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother!

End of story.

P.S.: Robot For Sale

 

[Chas]

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking very depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking down and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was filled the cow kicked it down with her left foot so I tied up her left foot to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right foot to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milking her again she knocked down the bucket with her tail so I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.

As I was tying up her tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

Don't panic.. I'm in hospital! I ate what I thought was onion but it was a daffodil bulb, but I'm OK .... Doctors say I'll be out in the Spring!!

 

[Shayne]

when the Lord made man, all parts of the body argued over who should be the boss. the brain explain that since he controlled all parts of the body, he should be the boss. the legs argued that since they carry the whole body around they should be boss.
the stomach countered that since it digestd all that is eaten, it should be boss. the eyes said without them the man would be helpless.
so they should be boss. then the ASS HOLE applied for the job: the other parts of the body laughed so hard that the ass hole got mad and closed up. after some few days the brain got foggy, the leggs went wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes could not see. they all conceded and made the ass hole boss.
this proves that u dont have to have to be a brain to be a boss just an ASS HOLE.