Jokes

[Chas]

When Hitler died and went to heaven, he arrived at the pearly gates to be greeted by Jesus.
Upon noticing who was infront of him Jesus was astonished. "What in the name of all that's holy are you doing here?" Said jesus.
Hitler replied with "I know ze furher has nein been good on ze earth, but I dont vant to burn in ze hell.".. Jesus absoloutley gobsmacked said "there is no way you are getting in here, and if I could let you in our father would be furious."
"If you can get God to let me... in heaven, I vill give you zis iron cross I vas avarded in ze first vorld var." Said Hitler.
Jesus who was always the compassionate type went off to find god.
"Father" he said. " you will not guess who.is asking permission to enter heaven....... Adolf Hitler. "Tell him to decend to the deepest pits of hell where he deserved to be" snorted God, "that man is beyond forgiveness". Jesus quickly replied with " but father he has promised me his iron cross if you let him in".
God looked at jesus straight in the eye and said "fuck off son, I gave you a wooden one and you couldn't carry that on your own".

 

[Chas]

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

...
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.”

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out.".....

 

[Chas]

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life.
The trouble is that it doesn’t add it to your 30s when you’re drinking and shagging.
It adds it to your 80s when you’re falling over and shitting yourself.

 

[Chas]

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the Operating Room. The first kid leans over and asks.
'What are you in here for?' The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'...
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O
and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year

 

[Chas]

Theresa May went to Dublin and met with Leo Varadkar
"Leo, “ she asked him. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined with this Brexit thing. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well," replied Leo, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
May frowned. "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy” Leo replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”.
He pushed a button on his intercom. “Please send Simon Coveney in here."
Simon walked into the room. “You called for me, Leo?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Simon. “ Leo said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for even a second, Simon answered, “That would be me."
"Yes! Very good,” said Leo.
May went back home, returned to the House of Commons and the very next day called for Michael Gove to come and see her.
Gove duly trotted in to her office. “Michael, answer this for me,’ said May. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”
"I'm not sure," said Gove. “Let me get back to you on that one.
Gove went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, the silent assassin ran in to Boris Johnson in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his boss, he approached him – much to his surprise.
“Boris, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me
“Sure, Boris said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”
“Thanks, said the silent assassin,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Boris answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"
Gove smiled, “Thanks!"
Gove then went back to speak with May. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Boris Jonson.”
May got up, stomped over to Gove, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Simon Coveney!"
.
And that is what is happening in the House of Commons at the present time.

 

[Chas]

Two for the price of one
.
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.

Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, stark naked. All the furniture from the room is piled round the edges.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says...

"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"


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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the river near the car park at Westminster.'

'Same here.

Hmm. How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.

Then jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile,

'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an asshole with a briefcase.'

 

[Chas]

We were in the pub and at closing time and this guy got up from his chair and fell over. We picked him up but he was well pissed and couldn`t speak or stand so we checked his wallet, found his drivers licence and having discovered his address we took him home slumped in the back of my car.
Reaching his address, we got him out but he still couldn`t stand so we managed to get him to the door, rang the bell and after a while this woman answered.
We explained what had happened and she thanked us and as we were about to leave she said " But where is his wheelchair ? "

 

[Chas]

A dwarf was drinking in a bar when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person”
The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get the shit kicked out of me”
“It’s ok” said the woman “ my husband is working away until next week “
So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman.
Well, they start having amazing sex, when suddenly... the front door opens.
“Shit, it’s my husband “ she said
“ quick, hang out of the bedroom window, and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away”
So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips.
The husband comes in the bedroom and says “ fuck, it’s cold in here” and slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground.
Well the woman is distraught and calls an ambulance.
A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital
“How are you” ? She asked
“Well my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion “ he said
“Oh dear” she said
“Still , it could have been much worse “
“Much worse !!!!?” Said the dwarf
“How do you figure that out”
“Well” she said
.
“It’s lucky I live in a bungalow”

 

[Chas]

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania.
As they stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the wind shield.
" Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?" "Turn the wind shield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
" Try the wind shield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes turns on the wind shield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
" Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
" Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
" Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes.
.
She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

 

[Chas]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' ...
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

 

[Chas]

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little under the weather

The doctor checks him over and says, Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

...
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually
only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'

'F*** me,' says the bingo caller.

'You've won the raffle as well

 

[Chas]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

...
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request..?'
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.
As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
".You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request..?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.

As before, Silver disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request..?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the Eyes and says,

"READ MY LIPS...!

FOR... THE... LAST... FUCKING... TIME... "

"BRING A POSSE"

 

[Chas]

I went into the library and asked for a book on turtles.
the lady said, "Hardback?"
I replied, "Yes, with little wrinkled heads"

 

[Chas]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."

 

[Chas]

I tried calling the tinnitus helpline....No answer...

Just kept ringing.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I stopped at a pedestrian crossing this afternoon and a hipster with a man bun walked straight out and got flattened by a milk truck. I thought, "Wow, that could have been me?"

I've just sent off my application to be a truck driver.

 

[Chas]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

[Chas]

Sold all my dusty Springfield records, DVD's, tapes, CD's and books now I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

 

[B34con]

Why do Kiwi's make great lovers?
Only a Kiwi can stay ontop for 45 minutes and still come second (Rugby WC joke)


An old man went to see his Dr. He goes through a handful of tests, and after an hour or so of waiting the Dr. comes back to give him his test results.
The Dr. says to his patient "well sir, I have some bad news for you"
so the patient responds "Okay, give it to me straight, Doc"
The Dr. responds "Sir, I'm afraid you have cancer, and Alzheimer's"

The patient thinks this over and responds "at least I don't have cancer!"

 

[Chas]

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