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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
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Michael Montgomery
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Michael Montgomery
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies...
'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a bloody cold.’
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies...
'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a bloody cold.’
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Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Vicar's Wife. Can you keep him in church for an hour after services
for me?"
Pat doesn't like it but being Murphy's long time friend, he agrees.
After service, he starts talking to the Vicar, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the Vicar gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Vicar. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied for a while."
The Vicar smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says..,
"You better hurry home Pat. My wife died two years ago.
for me?"
Pat doesn't like it but being Murphy's long time friend, he agrees.
After service, he starts talking to the Vicar, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the Vicar gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Vicar. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied for a while."
The Vicar smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says..,
"You better hurry home Pat. My wife died two years ago.
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I keep getting electric shocks. It's quite freakwent.
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Michael Montgomery
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A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w----- out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w----- out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
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Michael Montgomery
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Michael Montgomery
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Howmanygoes
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Army sergeant returns from tour in the Gulf, says to the lads I am off to get laid.
The sarge picks up a hooker and takes her back to a cheap hotel.
They walk in the door to their room and before the hooker can say "cash or card" the Sarge is naked with cock in hand.
He starts beating on his cock. "Dick, dick tion" he calls and his cock stands proud. "Dick stand at ease" and it goes limp. "Wow" cries the hooker "that's amazing".
"Dick, dick tion" he calls, and again he stands hard.
" Dick stand at ease" but he remains hard. "Dick stand at ease" he calls again, but still he remains hard. He starts beating furiously on his rod.
The hooker cries out " oh my god what are you doing"
The Sarge looks up and with a wry smile says...
"Stand back love this privates having a dishonorable discharge"
The sarge picks up a hooker and takes her back to a cheap hotel.
They walk in the door to their room and before the hooker can say "cash or card" the Sarge is naked with cock in hand.
He starts beating on his cock. "Dick, dick tion" he calls and his cock stands proud. "Dick stand at ease" and it goes limp. "Wow" cries the hooker "that's amazing".
"Dick, dick tion" he calls, and again he stands hard.
" Dick stand at ease" but he remains hard. "Dick stand at ease" he calls again, but still he remains hard. He starts beating furiously on his rod.
The hooker cries out " oh my god what are you doing"
The Sarge looks up and with a wry smile says...
"Stand back love this privates having a dishonorable discharge"
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
In church on Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me, saying a prayer :
“ Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me.
You have taken--
my favourite actor--- James Garner,
my favourite actress ---Lauren Bacall,
my favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
my favourite singer----Joe Cocker
and,
my favourite author, Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know, Lord, that my favorite politicians are -
Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn, Kier Starmer, Angela Raynor, Boris Johnson, Mark Drakeford, and that stupid bitch from Scotland .
Amen. ”
“ Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me.
You have taken--
my favourite actor--- James Garner,
my favourite actress ---Lauren Bacall,
my favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
my favourite singer----Joe Cocker
and,
my favourite author, Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know, Lord, that my favorite politicians are -
Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn, Kier Starmer, Angela Raynor, Boris Johnson, Mark Drakeford, and that stupid bitch from Scotland .
Amen. ”
