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Jokes

Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell
In a statement she said:
"The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"
 
Donald Trumps luck really is running out.
The Cabinet are discussing the 25th amendment to kick him out - and Congress are going to impeach him for a second time.
Then to really hammer home his situation - Melania refused to have sex with him after he took Viagra. Apparently she said "no way loser, that's a rigged erection"
 
Deputy Leader Kirsty Blackman, walked into the Scottish Parliament at Holyrood carrying a turkey.
A fellow politician said nice turkey Kirsty
Yes I got it for Nicola Sturgeon she replied.
He nodded his head in approval. "Good swap " he said
 
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I've just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him and it turns out he’s a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash. He’s made a lovely job of the landing.
 
A LESSON TO ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate Attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE To be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out"

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," She began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F**k You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
 
My wife said to me "What are you going to do today?" I said nothing, she said "You did that yesterday" I said I didn't get finished.

After breakfast nap, after lunch nap, after supper TV nap, I've mastered 'em all.
 

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Two men walking down the street when one of them suddenly collapses to the floor. Immediately, the other one pulls the guy's trousers down and starts blowing up his arse.

A passing woman shouts, "you don't give the kiss of life like that"

The guy says, " I know but have you smelt his breath!".
 
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