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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
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- Nov 19, 2010
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- 5,910
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Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Two co-workers sat down for lunch one day and one says to the other, "Wow, my elbow is killing me! I think I might have to take tomorrow off to go see my doctor."
His co-worker responds, "Why are you going to miss a whole day of work? You can just go down to the pharmacy and use their new diagnostic machine."
With a puzzled look on his face, he says, "What are you talking about, what machine?"
He says, "You haven't heard about it? Just take a urine sample down to the pharmacy and put it in the machine. It costs just $10 and it will tell you what's wrong with your elbow.
Reluctantly, he goes down to the pharmacy with his urine sample, sees the machine in the corner so he puts in the $10 and the urine sample. The machine clicks and beeps for a minute and spits out a piece of paper that reads, "You have tennis elbow. Soak your elbow in warm water and Epson Salt twice a day for two weeks and your elbow will get better."
Later that night he told his wife about the machine and says that he just can't accept that a machine can accurate diagnose an elbow problem with a urine sample. So he gets an idea to prove that this machine is just a scam. He gets a cup, pours some tap water into it. He goes into the backyard and gets a stool sample from his dog and puts that into the cup. He then gets a urine sample from his daughter and his wife, and just for good measure, he pleasures himself and adds that to his concoction.
The next morning he heads down to the pharmacy, he puts in the $10 and then pours his sample mixture into the machine. After a couple of minutes of clicks and beeps, the machine spits out a piece of paper that reads:
Your water is hard, buy a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm, bathe him in anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter has a cocaine addiction, get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant, with twins, they're not yours, get a lawyer.
AND
If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
His co-worker responds, "Why are you going to miss a whole day of work? You can just go down to the pharmacy and use their new diagnostic machine."
With a puzzled look on his face, he says, "What are you talking about, what machine?"
He says, "You haven't heard about it? Just take a urine sample down to the pharmacy and put it in the machine. It costs just $10 and it will tell you what's wrong with your elbow.
Reluctantly, he goes down to the pharmacy with his urine sample, sees the machine in the corner so he puts in the $10 and the urine sample. The machine clicks and beeps for a minute and spits out a piece of paper that reads, "You have tennis elbow. Soak your elbow in warm water and Epson Salt twice a day for two weeks and your elbow will get better."
Later that night he told his wife about the machine and says that he just can't accept that a machine can accurate diagnose an elbow problem with a urine sample. So he gets an idea to prove that this machine is just a scam. He gets a cup, pours some tap water into it. He goes into the backyard and gets a stool sample from his dog and puts that into the cup. He then gets a urine sample from his daughter and his wife, and just for good measure, he pleasures himself and adds that to his concoction.
The next morning he heads down to the pharmacy, he puts in the $10 and then pours his sample mixture into the machine. After a couple of minutes of clicks and beeps, the machine spits out a piece of paper that reads:
Your water is hard, buy a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm, bathe him in anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter has a cocaine addiction, get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant, with twins, they're not yours, get a lawyer.
AND
If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
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Three men, a German, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. You're man says, "Bejasus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
"That was my pager," he said, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. You're man says, "Bejasus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
chadr
Well-Known Member
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Many years ago many people had a horse and only the rich had a car, today we all have cars and only the rich have horses.
Also many years ago we used to cook inside and go the toilet outside. Now it is the opposite.
Water came from a tap, if you suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol you'd be taken off to the loony bin.
Also many years ago we used to cook inside and go the toilet outside. Now it is the opposite.
Water came from a tap, if you suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol you'd be taken off to the loony bin.
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
- Messages
- 5,910
- Country Flag
Ordering a pizza in 2022
Caller
Is this Pizza Hut?
Google
No sir, it’s Google Pizza
Caller
I must have dialled the wrong number, sorry
Google
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month
Caller
OK, I would like to order a pizza
Google
Do you want your usual, sir?
Caller
My usual? You know me?
Google
According to our caller ID data base, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust
Caller
Super! That’s what I’ll have
Google
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
Caller
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
Google
Your cholesterol is not good, sir
Caller
How the hell do you know that?
Google
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years
Caller
Okay, but I do not want your rotten veggie pizza and I already take medication for my cholesterol
Google
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago
Caller
I bought more from another pharmacy
Google
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement
Caller
I paid in cash
Google
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement
Caller
I have other sources of cash
Google
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
Caller
WHAT THE HELL!
Google
I’m sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you
Caller
Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter and all the others. I’m going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch or spy on me
Google
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first, it expired 6 weeks ago
.
Welcome to the future.
Caller
Is this Pizza Hut?
No sir, it’s Google Pizza
Caller
I must have dialled the wrong number, sorry
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month
Caller
OK, I would like to order a pizza
Do you want your usual, sir?
Caller
My usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID data base, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust
Caller
Super! That’s what I’ll have
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
Caller
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
Your cholesterol is not good, sir
Caller
How the hell do you know that?
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years
Caller
Okay, but I do not want your rotten veggie pizza and I already take medication for my cholesterol
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago
Caller
I bought more from another pharmacy
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement
Caller
I paid in cash
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement
Caller
I have other sources of cash
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
Caller
WHAT THE HELL!
I’m sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you
Caller
Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter and all the others. I’m going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch or spy on me
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first, it expired 6 weeks ago
.
Welcome to the future.
Last edited:
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
*HAVE YOU GOT SEX INSURANCE ?**
In the UK you can now get sex insurance. So make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having . Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
Sex with your wife - Legal and General
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex with your partner - Standard Life
Sex with someone different - Go Compare
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than
Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex with your maid - Employers Liability
Sex with an OAP - Saga
Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident
Sex with a monk- Abbey Life
Sex with Navy Officers - Admiral Group
AND FINALLY
Sex with a transvestite - Confused. Com
Make sure you are well insured!
In the UK you can now get sex insurance. So make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having . Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
Sex with your wife - Legal and General
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex with your partner - Standard Life
Sex with someone different - Go Compare
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than
Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex with your maid - Employers Liability
Sex with an OAP - Saga
Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident
Sex with a monk- Abbey Life
Sex with Navy Officers - Admiral Group
AND FINALLY
Sex with a transvestite - Confused. Com
Make sure you are well insured!
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
- Messages
- 5,910
- Country Flag
Just heard the head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team,after realising shooting and sailing were two separate events ...
