Jokes

[Chas]

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Son, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

So . . . . On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try these on'

Mike did and said,'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

I was in a pub the other night and had had a few drinks when I noticed two VERY large women at the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them turned to me and screamed "It's WALES you idiot"
So I immediately apologised and said "Oh, I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's all I remember!

 

[chadr]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams
"I'm not dead,I'm not dead.let me out!"
The Vicar smiles,leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal,the paperworks already done"

...................................
My wife said to me "Let's go out tonight, get really pissed then have some great sex"
I replied "sounds like a great idea, if you get home before me, leave the key under the wheelie bin"

...................................
The government has advised us to be careful that we are not sold fake tickets for the Olympics.
Just checked mine for the men's wheelchair triple jump and they seem genuine enough.

 

[Chris Mann]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams
"I'm not dead,I'm not dead.let me out!"
The Vicar smiles,leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal,the paperworks already done"

 

[Chas]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway, nothing is moving, suddenly there's a knock on his window, the driver rolls it down and asks "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the Government and are asking for £10 million ransom or they're going to douse them in petrol and set them on fire, we are going from car to car taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Oh, about a gallon"

 

[Red Oktober]

The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from

Glasgow 's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an

appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.



The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even

though your annual income is over three million pounds, you don't give a

penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community

through the Salvation Army?"



The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also

show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge

care bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"



Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know

that."



"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled

Afghanistan Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to

support his wife and six children?"



The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.



"Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my

sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with

a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is

disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of

private tutors and specialist nurses?"



Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so

sorry. I had no idea."





And then the lawyer said,









"So Jimmy, if I don't give any ***'king cash to

them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

 

[Dave Docwra]

Just been in Tesco's with the Wife, and out of the blue she says to me, 'you're one lazy b*****d.'........well I nearly fell out of the trolley

 

[Chas]

Just been in Tesco's with the Wife, and out of the blue she says to me, 'you're one lazy b*****d.'........well I nearly fell out of the trolley

That's a coincidence, we were in Tesco's too, my wife had said "I want you to take me somewhere you can pick pineapples" I should be out of the hospital soon

 

[Chas]

Spain 4 - Italy 0.
Nothing to do with football. It's the number of jobs available in each country.
___________________________________________________________________________________
As the fourth goal went in, the Italians looked down on their feet. Tears starting to fill their eyes. They looked absolutely gutted. They had their all their wages on 3-0
___________________________________________________________________________________
So Spain have won, maybe they can sell the trophy and then they might still be able to keep the Euro.
___________________________________________________________________________________
I was too busy to watch the Euro football final on tv, but I knew exactly what the score was at all times.
Every time Spain scored, I heard Maria, my Italian neighbour shout "No Guiseppe, don't hit me again."
___________________________________________________________________________________
An Italian just walked past me and shouted "Forza Italia".
And I replied "Four Zero Spain, actually mate"

 

[Chas]

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says “Electricians are the best, everything inside is colour coded”
The second surgeon says “No, I think librarians are, everything inside is in alphabetical order”
The third surgeons says “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest, there are no guts, no balls, no brains and no spine.
Plus the head and the ass are interchangeable

 

[Chas]

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished!

It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well.
The next day, Janice told her friends all about it.

'We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, nothing.......... Dave was too tired.'

 

[Graham]

Very good

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Crushers]

Mississippi Farmer


An 80-year-old Mississippi Farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in
Rochesterfor a check- up.

The doctor is amazed at
what good shape the guy is

in and asks,'How do you stay in such great physical
condition?'

'I'm from Mississippi and in my spare time I
like to hunt and fish says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm
in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight Feeding
Cattle mending fences, Planting, Baling Hay, and when
I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing.

In the evening, I have a beer and all is
well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he
died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Iowan. 'In fact he
worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we
went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer
and that's why he's still alive. He's a Iowa Farmer and
he'sa hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your father's father? How old was
he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80
years old and your grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this
point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning
too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because
he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting
married!!...????

Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

 

[chadr]

Just got this text not sure if it's a prank......
You have won a prize £250 or a night at an Elvis tribute act .
Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

...............................

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long"...
He replied, "Well the Judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know... but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a sentence before."

...............................

 

[Chas]

A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her expensive new outfit.
She posed this way and that, before her husband, looking on with disinterest, remarked "Your bum is the size of a 3-burner barbecue!"
Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he leant over, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked hopefully "How about it?” She replied "It's hardly worth lighting the barby for half a sausage."

______________________________________________________________

A man goes to his doctor and asks him to check his penis.
"Okay," says the Doctor, "drop your trousers and let’s have a look."
So the man quickly strips off, revealing a resplendent 10 inches of manhood.
The doctor examines his penis for a few minutes and after a little while says, "I'm sorry, but I can't seem to find anything wrong."
The man grins. "I know," he says. "F*cking great isn't

___________________________________________________________________

A husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said to his wife, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

 

[Dave Docwra]

Just got this text not sure if it's a prank......
You have won a prize £250 or a night at an Elvis tribute act .
Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

I have seen this Elvis trubute act. He is very good.

He is originally from Pakistan and his name is ..........

.......... Amal Shukkup.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Mick Hucknalls been arrested after being caught shagging a rabbit. A police spokesperson said he was holding back the ears and singing " bunny's too tight to mention"

My apologies for that.

Andy

 

[Chas]

LIFE WITH THE ROYALS: CAMILLA'S NEW SHOES ....

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But It wouldn't budge.

'Harder!' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back. 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got, ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh god, that feels so good!'

In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, 'Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter.'
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!